Had No Idea

Transient Global Amnesia, TGA for short.

DEFINITION: Transient global amnesia is a sudden, temporary episode of memory loss that can’t be attributed to a more common neurological condition, such as epilepsy or stroke.

During an episode of transient global amnesia, your recall of recent events simply vanishes, so you can’t remember where you are or how you got there. In addition, you may not remember anything about what’s happening in the here and now. Consequently, you may keep repeating the same questions because you don’t remember the answers you’ve just been given. You may also draw a blank when asked to remember things that happened a day, a month or even a year ago.

The condition most often affects people in middle or older age. With transient global amnesia, you do remember who you are, and you recognize the people you know well. Episodes of transient global amnesia always improve gradually over a few hours. During recovery, you may slowly begin to remember events and circumstances. Transient global amnesia isn’t serious, but it can still be frightening.

So, yeah. That happened. Last week, I thought everything was fine. By Thursday, I was in the hospital. I got to come home yesterday, Saturday. Today, Sunday, my daughter is flying out to spend a week with me.

How fast one’s life can change. My brain, which I rely so heavily on to survive, is tired. It betrayed me. It has given me a very scary wake up call. I literally lost over 24 hours of my life. Absolutely NO recollection of anything.

It was finally my own boss, who alerted my daughter. She was worried I was having a stroke. Apparently, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I had called her many times because I was worried that I missed a meeting. To make things worse and more humiliating, apparently, I was supposed to be on vacation on Thursday and Friday of last week.

Had no idea.

I had also called my mother crying about not knowing what to do with 117 emails in my inbox. Now, you might say a normal person would cry looking at 117 emails…ha. I never flinch when it comes to work. The kicker for me was that I had allowed 117 emails to accumulate. I never let anything get that size or behind to that degree.

Had no idea.

I had also gone outside and walked around twice within an hour talking to my neighbors and making no sense. The ones who know me, figured out quickly that I was not coherent. My daughter called one of them, after speaking with my boss, and she took me to the ER.

Had no idea.

I did not remember her taking me. I don’t remember much of Wednesday night or any of Thursday. I think my coherence returned about 1am on Friday. That should have set off an internal alert to my brain because I never stay up past 9pm. Let the nightmare of hospital care begin. You really can’t rest because they come in to take blood, check blood sugar, check urine output versus water input, and so on. Great fun.

Presenting with these symptoms, of course, the first assumption is that I had a stroke. Makes perfect sense. After all, my brain has been through major traumas: brain bleeds (which I learned are called hemorrhagic aneurysms), tumor, major car accident when I was 39 (I was still picking out glass from my skull 3 years later). Poor thing. It has been through the wringer. I have been a crappy brain caretaker.

I had every freaking test under the sun. EEG, CT Scan, Echocardiogram, MRI, 16-point balance test, and the constant questions of do I know where I am, what is my name, what year, month, day is it? My favorite: Who is President? I never once said his name, just stated emphatically, “The Tool!” Surprisingly, everyone knew that I was coherent and thought that was the right answer. Hmmm…

Here is my dilemma, I now understand that I am a liability to my job, my boss, my accounts, my team, my company. Reading the likely probability of recurrence, everyone is feeling okay about it. Everyone except me. When I looked at all my weird occurrences as my laser sharp analytical skills have returned, this has already happened to me more than once. In fact, more than the statistics state. I can, without drama or exaggeration, literally remember at least five of these occurrences.

One happened in 2019, while talking to another VP, who now thinks I am crazy. I could not figure out why. One happened when I was applying for a job in Illinois. One happened while I was CIO for the State of Wyoming, during a meeting. This one I remember vividly now that I look back because the look on people’s faces when I was done speaking was one of incredulity, and I can’t remember the topic or what I said.

I joke constantly about being “dain-bramaged” and often say the “off” thing. People chalk it up to Traci being Traci, but you know what? I think this has been going on for quite a while. This big event, being the longest amount of time lost, has been the catalyst for me to really analyze these past events, which I never could explain.

It’s a very scary thing to realize you are losing your mind. If there is a good part, at least it’s not psychological. It is real and organic, which is bad but strangely makes me feel better. This event scared me. I am never afraid. I fear nothing. Now I fear my own mind. What if I am presenting to a President at a college? What if I am interviewing prospective employees? What if I am on a call with a salesperson to land a new account? What if I am traveling in one of the many states in my territory and lose track of time, where I am, and where I am supposed to be? What if I take a cab and forget where I am supposed to go?

I don’t have the type of job that is stationary. I don’t have an 8–5 schedule (thank goodness) but now may need one? I don’t know what to do. I am a liability. Those are hard words to say and to reckon with.

Had no idea.