INSANITY
…as the Judge looked down at the man accused of assaulting a girl, and asked, “How do you plead?” “I plead insanity, Judge.” “Insanity!?” “Yeah, Insanity! I’m crazy about that girl!” … (Cheech and Chong)
Why do urges to do the wrong thing always become the strongest at the wrong time? I have a gift for it. Or, maybe I am having another stroke, but here it is: I don’t want to do my job anymore.
I am sure my mother just passed out.
This is the job I worry about losing every day. This is the job that is paying for said TGA expenses. This is the job I just wrote a long and emotional piece about wanting to do until I’m 80.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, maybe I am bi-polar, or a split personality. I can’t explain it. I woke up one morning and was just done. Just like that. I thought maybe it would go away. This feeling that is so foreign to me, the dedicated workaholic. Surely it would pass, right? Wrong. It’s not going away.
I’m telling you, the dain-bramage is affecting my mind…ha ha.
The neural pathways re-route is opening unused areas. Areas hiding major thoughts. Like a Swiss bank account needs a special code, my brain needs a special stroke to open the vault. It’s now leaking huge life-changing thoughts. Awful thoughts.
· I’m sick of dealing with idiots
· I’m sick of dealing with “small” people holding big jobs
· I’m sick of dealing with corporate politics
· I’m sick of dealing with people’s over-inflated opinions of themselves
· I’m sick of the stress and never getting time off
Truth is, I am mostly just tired. I am talking complete exhaustion. It’s awful and pretty ballsy of me to complain about superficial things as these. When you think exhaustion, you only need to turn on the TV and see the truly exhausted, over-worked medical personnel saving people’s lives, getting no support, PPE, backup, or time off.
I should be ashamed.
But it is what it is. I just don’t want to do this job anymore. It’s a speeding train heading for a cliff and so it’s only a matter of time . I don’t want to live my remaining work life deluded. Kind of like people thinking the steel plant is coming back to their hometown. Sheesh.
Okay, then. Let’s do a reality check:
· Do you have enough money to live if you retire now? No.
· Do you have enough money to live without medical insurance and a damaged brain? No.
· Do you think anyone will hire your sorry old ass? No.
· Do you have another job lined up? No.
· Do you think there are any companies hiring right now? No.
· Could you live on minimum wage should someone hire you and not realize you are as old as dirt? No.
· Do you really want to live in your daughter’s spare room and cramp her lifestyle? No.
Well then, I think we have solved this dilemma, haven’t we? I can’t quit.
I have to suck it up and slather on some more Chapstick. Give me strength…
