THE STILL
Solitude. Calm. Quiet. These words conjure up the picture of a peaceful environment. I have lived alone a long time. Solitude for someone like me is essential to being able to cope with the world. Solitude is often equated to loneliness. Maybe for some, but not for me. I am rarely lonely with myself. I live inside my own brain. Always have and always will.
In recent posts, the changes in my brain since the stroke beg to be analyzed, all the time. It’s why I write this drivel. I don’t have an audience in mind. When I look at the stats for my pieces, the personal articles barely get a glance, which is fine. As always, this is for me. My public diary. If it helps someone else, great. If not, oh well. (There’s got to be a whole chapter on why a private and touted loner, feels the need to express all this emotion publicly. Right? We’ll save that for the qualified.)
This purging of thoughts from my damaged brain helps me make sense of changes I am experiencing. When I took the first Myers-Briggs test as a young executive, my rating was 0. I thought, oh crap, I’m a zero. I consider myself an extrovert in public, to successfully associate with the “Normals” and perform my job functions. What does Zero mean? It means that I am neither an introvert nor extrovert. I can traverse both worlds without effort. I was smack dab in the middle…weird. You just never know, do ya?
That said, as I age, the introvert is gradually taking over. Nothing new there. People mellow out with age, get wiser it’s said, and in general slow down a bit. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to cope with the noise in the world. Again, not a big revelation as many are having difficulty right now. It’s such an unusual period, globally.
“The Still,” (what I call it) is hard to explain. It’s not just being motionless. It’s not just being quiet. It’s not just being alone. The Still has its own energy field, which kind of defies the meaning of the word. It’s becoming more of a need for survival. I have meditated for years to achieve stillness. I must not have been doing it right. Stillness of motion is not a new concept. Meditation is all about clearing the mind and achieving stillness. The difference for me is the type of “still” I now require. Meditation is coming nowhere near what I am experiencing automatically, even without meditating.
I am becoming the opposite of everything I have been up to now. I crave “The Still.” I need “The Still.” I am making huge decisions based on this need. Decisions that will shape the time I have left. It’s happening automatically. I am not worried. I am not hesitating. I am letting each day just happen without controlling my environment. I would love to be able to stand outside of myself and watch when this happens. I cannot explain it in words.
I sold my dream house this weekend. I sold most of my furniture today. I have no idea where to move, so will be homeless in October when I close. I want to quit my job. I have no debt now. I have started writing 3 novels over the past ten years and haven’t finished one. They’d make great screenplays, based on the ideas, in their current unfinished state. At least I am still thinking creatively. So grateful that didn’t go away with the dain-bramage.
Somehow, I know that I don’t have much time left. I have received no diagnosis to that effect. I am not depressed. I just know. Inside. Not what I planned to happen, as I am now just discovering myself. There’s no dread associated with the feeling. Maybe this will dissipate. Maybe it’s just a manifestation of some affect of the stroke. Not sure. But it seems very real mentally, so I am paying attention.
I want to live in “The Still.”
